I am a philanthropist, I am an artist.
I struggle, not daily, but as a matter of my waking and sleeping life to the plight of all, I have no choice in the matter it is what I am and who I am and have no idea from where or even when it came about other than to just know I am a very different person than one you may have met at another time in my life.
I am not overly educated nor am I so culturally confident that I am able to even start to imagine how life would be to co-exist with others whom I hold in high regard, all I do know however is that I am required in my life to write letters such as this in the search for those who are more able to help me in my lifes duty.
I want, no, I am obliged and forced to create artworks that will act both as awareness and fund raising pieces for charitable cause, I have no personal desire for fame and fortune indeed, even the thought that I may gain in some way from my actions is something that I prefer not to think about, notwithstanding however the fact that I have to survive and succeed in life to fulfil that which I embark upon.
Until that is a considered possibility in my life I have to write to those in the world who are able to provide that which I lack, viz a viz, funding, support, management, equipment, premises, etc etc, the list of requirements is sadly endless it seems, all I can do is create paintings, sculptures and artworks that will serve the purpose, I do not imagine that I can succeed in my own proposals moreso I imagine failure more often than not however even that is not sufficient to stop me.
Currently I hold several charities to which I owe a personal debt of gratitude however, it matters not what I have done for those organisations so far I cannot escape from the fact that I have not done sufficient as yet and, even when I feel my debt suitably paid there are a million and one others who I feel should benefit from my gift, a gift that has been granted that is so great that it can not possibly be for me alone.
I am not very good at blowing my own trumpet, nor am I much use at asking for things and am humbled by my gift in the full knowledge of where and from whom it comes, in essence I am God driven to serve and have been given the tools I need to serve, my life seems so full of cliché, cliché that is that seems to come from such great and eminent people throughout History that I seem unable even to voice them though I know that without the sharing of these thoughts it is impossible for me to be understood without the fear of being misunderstood.
I am a simple man though the magnitude of what I am required to do seems to set me aside from normal people, and, though I do not want to even suggest that I know that I am being dishonest with myself to imagine otherwise, I am guided throughout my day and visionary in my dreams so much so that I am unable to even consider trying to have a normal conversation about football, politics and the general mundane attitude that seems to pervade normal society, there are answers for all problems, there are problems in all answers.
These feelings are not new, they have just not been either recognised nor realised in any verbal way throughout my life I have just ‘been’ different without knowing why, it is that which has kept me constantly mobile throughout my life, constantly seeking others with whom I have been able to find a parallel with, a constant motion or seeking, adopting the lives and personalities of others in a most desperate bid to find a place in life where I belonged, a search that was fruitless until, that is I spent time alone with myself, without people without alcohol, without drugs, without anything excepting, as it transpired, a faith and the gift of creativity, being alone with only those companions brought a clarity that had never been evident before that moment.
For the past years they have been my only companions that I was able to confide in or trust, from these came the answers to my questions, came the knowledge of who I am, came the wisdom that suddenly allowed me to recognise a philosopher, a visionary person, aspect of my inner self that, although recognised on occasions by others, were unable to be acknowledged by myself and thus, any relationship with those who recognised a different me was quashed by my own inability to recognise it in myself.
The now is a different story, the now is about me recognising myself and what I am capable of, the now is about understanding my past and the reasons for ease of success and voracity of failure, the now is about me coming to terms that I have the traits of personality that existed only in those whom I felt were unapproachable, the now is about me doing the right thing for the right reason; the now is about me accepting that no matter how great a task I must embark upon the quest and see it through to the end no matter what I am required to do or say.
The now is about accepting my own personal self with humility and acceptance of what ever direction my inner voices take me, an understanding that despite my being the same as everyone else I am also a person who is different through now being able to recognise my own uniqueness as a human being and continuing the work that I must put in to be true to my self, I can not allow myself to be part of normal society, I cannot afford myself the luxury to be dissatisfied with life and that which it deals me, I cannot allow myself to put my own comfort and ease of life above the lives of others who are not as fortunate as me in all that I have, I have to use what I have for the benefit of others or I am not fulfilling that which I was destined to do but avoided in the search for myself through others; frankly, I have not a clue where my next step lies in life but I have to walk it all the same.
